


Don't you dare run

by theMARVELouswriter



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bisexual Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Insomnia, M/M, Pre-Civil War (Marvel), Psychological Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-08-23
Packaged: 2018-10-30 16:16:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10880412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theMARVELouswriter/pseuds/theMARVELouswriter
Summary: It seems like everyone is after Bucky shield, hydra and Steveit turns into a cat and mouse game of who you an trust(It's not as cheesy as its sounds)





	1. Echoes through the bunker

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if it's bad English it's not my native language
> 
> This is my first fan fiction ever so don't judge me to hard please

I was running on a highway. It was dark, I could only see the road and the shadow I was chasing it felt familiar. Knifes started raining down on me. They hit my skin but no blood came out only scares until my skin was full of them. The whole world seemed too turn red and my body felt like it was gonna throw up. The shadow had stopped and now I could see that it was Bucky. “Bucky?” I asked, it felt like I’ve said the same line hundreds of time by now but still somewhere I still hoped he would react differently this time just this one time. “Who the hell is Bucky?” he asked before shooting me. 

I woke up sweaty in my bed. I punched the pillow and mumbled trough gritted teeth “Always the same dream always the same, can it change ones”.I looked around after what woke me up before realizing that it was my phone that had waken me up. On the display it stod that red bird had texted me.”My place now. Nat have found Bucky”I just stared at the text for at least five minutes before my brain came up with the idea to actually get to Sams place. I took some clothes on and then I took my motorcycle and drived to Sam surely breaking some speed controls on the way.

Sam opened directly when I knocked.

“Hey Steve” Sam looked at my face detailed before continuing “You’re looking like a kindergartener on drugs”

“You’re looking like the overprotective mother” 

“I’m feeling like it. Want to come in?” I looked sarcastically at him and walked in. I looked around after nat before sitting down in the couch. Hes living room looked messy 

“So about Bucky and Nat” I started tapping my fingers at the wall while I fought why can’t he tell me where they are already! Sam sat down beside me and took out his phone before answering me. 

“Nat got send by shield to check up on a suspicious crime scene in Budapest. She found fourteen horrible killed people and one barely alive. The witness said that the murderer had brown shoulder-length hair and a metal arm. Nat can only hold this information a secret until tomorrow then she need to tell shield about it so if we want to try we should go directly” I took a deep breath before speaking.

“That means buck is out there” I said, Sam looked like he didn’t now if he wanted to hug me or get angry at me.

“It means he’s dangerous too, Nat sent me some pictures over the crime scene if you want to see it’s pretty...bad” He handed me his phone where a picture three bloody bodies where on display. The first body was twisted, every bone seemed to be broken and in the wrong direction with a face that screamed pain. The the other body hadn’t any visible injuries other then the face which had been punched so many times the only thing you could see was blood, an eye sticking out, a bit of skull and teeth laying at the floor next to the body. The third body had gotten his arms ripped of and blood after the lost arms where everywhere.

My brain trembled for some second before convincing itself that Bucky still was good “He probably had a good reason to kill them” I hoped what I said was true.

“or he's gone back to being a hydra agent. Maybe saving you was the only thing he could do before turning back into a brainwashed agent, maybe he’s not meant to be saved” A burn of anger flamed up inside me before calming down and looking cold at Sam before answering.

“I’m going after Bucky. If you don’t want to see me get hurt you can stay here but I’m going after him!” Sam shrugged back by my look and thought for some seconds before answering.

“It’s pr-robably better if both of us goes, we saw what happened the latest time you two were together alone” I smiled at the other man before and wondered if I should hug him or not. “Nat have sent me the address so we can take the quintet and go right now if you want” 

“Yeah lets go”

We landed near the border to Voluntary in Rumania. It was an old garage house and some meters away the remains of the real house was still standing around the house there were woods trying to take over. The house had been burned by some teenagers during the seventeens and nobody had tried rebuilding it again, the garage house looked pretty new liked it had been rebuilt for some months again to be used again.

“Hey cap just so you now the corpses are still in there, Nat only reported a battered woman to the police so they haven’t taken anything” I nicked as a answer before walking into the garage.

The smell of corpses and blood hit me directly when I opened the door. My stomach tuned at the sight of corps. Many of them had been stabbed repeatedly by shards from glass, others had there limbs smashed in or had there necks cut and the three from the picture which was even worse in real life then in a photo.

I jumped then Sam come up and lay his hand on my shoulder. He locked sick. I remembered that Sam hadn’t been on a this gory mission before.

“Cap I think I will outside for a while not all of us have been in world war two” Sam tried smiling at me but the smile looked more like a grimace.

“Sure buddy, I keep looking for stuff in here” The house was merely ten meters long and wide, no windows and the was made of metal with many locks. It seemed like it was made so that however was in here would not come out. More then the dead people there was nothing in the house more then a bathtub. I walked up to the bathtub and saw that the water still was in there. I took my hand down into the water and discovered that the water was freezing cold. My whole shrugged my the freezing temperature and I took fast out the hand again. After looking through every centimeter of the house for clues I walked out to see if Sam was okay.

I couldn’t see Sam when I came out. I looked around but I could only see the trees that crowded the near area. My mind panicked for some second before coming to the conclusion that it would be best to look around after Sam before panicking. It took a while of searching before finding a trail that headed into the woods. It looked like somebody had been dragged through the woods, I hoped it wasn’t Sam. I started following the trail and could often see blood trails beside the original trail.

“Hey rogers” I could here Sam scream to me after a five minute walk following the trail. Sam was standing in the door way to a bunker. 

“I-I think I just found a torture chamber”

“Nobodys in there right?”

“Not that I could see” Before I could walk down into the bunker Sam stopped me abruptly. “Hey Steve I think I won’t go into anymore mysterious buildings today okay?” 

“You can fly home if can’t handle it, I feel pretty shaken up to”

“No, I don’t want you running into a iceberg again”

“Can you stop with the iceberg jokes”

“Not until a brainwashed assassin from the 40s holds a knife against my head and screams at the to stop joking about his boyfriends accident” I cracked up to a smile before saying

“Just tell me if you can’t take it, it’s okay. I’m gonna go down into the bunker now don’t let anyone hijack me” I smiled at Sam before walking down into the bunker.

It toke some time before my eyes got used to the dark. I tumbled back into the wall then I saw that there was another twenty bodies in here. Two of them were hanging from the roof on hooks. Before looking at the others my eyes centered on a what looked like a dentist chair with two metal sticks who led to a circle. I recognized the machine from the pictures off the weapons they had tortured Bucky with. I didn’t want to see what else was down there. My body trembled while I run up from the bunker.

When I came up from the bunker I tumbled back into the wall and borrowed down my head into my knees. Sam(who been sitting like a bird on top of the building)jumped down in front of me and asks.

"Are you alright Steve, did you found anything about Bucky?" 

It felt like the world was coming down around me. I didn't want Bucky, if I had been there before, how long had he been here ever sense he saved me from the river?. Hundreds of questions was spinning around in my head and it felt like I was burning up from anger. If Sam hadn't dragged my head up in front of his I would probably start hyperventilating.

"Are you okay?"

"It's hydra..they got Bucky. Didn't we take out hydra" Sams eyes changed from comforting to anger when he realized what had happened.

"Fuck,fuck, fuuucckkk" Sam sat down beside me “Well now we now he’s dangerous” My brain still tried to get in all the new information, my hands shaked and when I tried speaking it didn’t come out anything. Then the confusing started sinking away the anger started boiling up. I*ve never thought that hydra could take Bucky.....my Bucky after the the helicarrier shot down.

“Hey Steve” Sam waved his hands furious in front of my face “Any ides on how to find Buck Buck” I tried to calm down before answering but it’s hard when what you thought you knew about your best fiend have been scattered for the hundredth time.

“W-we can call Nat, I forgot mine can I borrow?” Sam nodded before throwing his phone at me. I took a deep breath trying to push down the anger inside of me before typing in Natashas number.

“Hey Natasha” I could here the intro to Steven Universe in the background “We’re stuck with where Bucky is help?” The tv was switched off quickly.

“Are you okay” All the anger I had been boiled up inside of me at everyone and myself stormed up from my throat and onto Natasha.

“No I’m not I’m tired of everyone asking if I’m okay of course i’m not. I’ve seen Bucky being tortured before both saved him from it and seen it on video but I’ve always saved him from it before but this time I couldn’t save him, I fought he wouldn’t have to go through it again and and and now he’s alone and I’m angry at myself because I I I couldn’t save him this time and everything is just falling apart and I’m just angry and tired of everything” I didn’t even try to stop the tears that was streaming down my face right now.

Sam(who had been walking around angrily in circles and heard everything) sat down beside me and lay his arms around me. I rested my cheek on Sams shoulder before continuing talking.

“I-I wonder how long they held him caption, I-I wonder what they did to him. I wonder how much he remembers if they made him a empty shell again or if he somehow remembers me, maybe they beat him every time he tried to remember something maybe maybe....”

It felt good or as good as it could feel in a situation like this to sit with my two closest fiends and cry over my best friend. could I still call him that? I don’t now how long we sat there but after some time Natasha raced her voice.

“Well I had thought about where Bucky could be with time and all that but while you had your uh meltdown Clint sent me a message about somebody seeing him in the smithsonian, in the captain america part” Sam interrupted before I could answer.

“Does Barton now what we’re doing?”

“No but I’m on the Bucky case so” Natasha's voice turned cold “But if we could trust anyone it would be Clint, bye”

“Bye, I call you when we know where he is” Sam turned over to me and asked.

“So do you think we will find Bucky or the winter soldier?”

“Bucky, the winter soldier would never kill the hydra agents like that, that was the rage form the same guy who kicked everyones ass if they tried to hurt me”


	2. vents is my best friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if it's bad english, it's not my native language

I started walking around the plain trying to walk away the stress, excitement and fear over hopefully meeting Bucky again. I walked over to Sam again asking.

“How long will it take before we're there” Sam sighed before answering.

“You know with a normal plane it would take twelve hours, I’ve shorten it to four but let’s see for the fifth time this hour theres one and a half hour of flight left, no problem” I walked around some more before mumbling. 

“You’re tearing me apart Sam” Sam jumped in his seat

“Wait, wait you almost haven’t seen any modern movies but one of the few you decide to watch is the freaking room” sam said surprised

“Tony suggested it to me and I’ve had pretty much time to catch up” I coughed awkwardly before continued” when I don’t really sleep or...i have sleep problems. The same nightmare waking me up every night”Sam sighed again.

“Remind me again to take you to a psychologist when we get back.....after you get a good night sleeps” Sam was quiet for quite a long time and I continued to walk around. I tried to make out how long time it had gone sense Sam had said anything but my brain was already flooded with thoughts when Sam actually said something.

“So what is the dream about?”

“You know buck, different versions of the first time we saw each other after after the you know” Sam nodded and I continued to wait for us to arrive.

* * *

When we finally arrived it was easy to take us into the building. Most of the guards was standing outside redirected tourists and Barton was nowhere to be seen. Sam flied me up to the roof and we took us easily in to the vent.

When I jumped down a guard surprised attacked me by taking me from the back and dragging me down onto the floor. When he saw that it was me he said. Sam stayed in the vent so the guard couldn’t see him.

“Oh shit you’re captain america” He let me go. It didn’t seem like he was going to ask why I had been in the vent before he walked away I asked him.

“Do you know were you can watch the security cameras” I awkwardly smiled.

“Oh yeah, it’s behind the big american flag” He stopped talking and mumbled something to himself and blushed before continuing “He theres pretty many american flags, I meant those behind the dolls with you’re old clothes. By the way did you hear about that you’re costume got stolen” I started running towards the security room and shouted while I run.

“Thank you sir”

When I came into the security room I looked so it was a vent in this room too.  then I remembered I’ve left Sam in the vent. He was a trained agent or pilot or whatever he can get here I thought before I started watching the security footage from the start of the day.

The journalists and tourists that came here had rapidly increased sense the thing about Bucky being alive had come out. If I could change one thing with the helicarrier shotdown it would be to keep my friends origins a secret.

 I remembered the night Natasha had come home to me on the break of tears after a mother had come up to her and told her she would call the police if she even looked at her son again and that she should take her Russian ass back to Russia.

 Nat had told me she had lost count on the times somebody had looked at her in disgusted and either move away from her or insult her. I hope that didn’t happen to anyone else.

The footage was from 10:46 then saw him. you couldn’t see his face any time on the footage, his hair was longer and dyed dark blue. he didn’t move like Bucky but I knew from Natasha that spys can change there body language so much that you can’t see who they are without having to change appearance.     I was lucky having Natasha and Sam, not everyone would search after a brain washed killer with you

Still I would recognize Bucky whenever, wherever.......I hoped I could.When I had watched the dire two minutes the presumedly Bucky was one screen for the fifth time Sam came sneaking in.

“Nice done cap leaving me out there in a vent”

“Sorry. Do you think that he can be Bucky” I pointed at the paused scream.

“I haven’t really gotten a good look at him you know being in the middle off not dying, but I don’t remember him looking like him, but you’re the best friend so. I‘m just the black sidekick”

“Don't say things like that you're as important as me. But if we say this is Bucky Then this video was filmed...five hours ago. Where can he be?” 

“If he took a car, train or bus he’s in West Virginia”

“how do you” I turned around to see Sam staring down into his phone “oh. What’s the name again”

“Google maps” Sam chuckled before continuing. “ There’s is a city called Buckhannon and there’s.... five bed & breakfast there. Maybe we should check that out first”

“sure lets go” I opened the vent just to be meet with an arrow pointed at my forehead. I stumbled backwards placing myself in front of Sam as a human shield. 

Clint crawled out of the vent still pointing the bow to my face. he looked around in the room searching for something but stopped when he saw Sam.

“It have gone some time haven’t it, got new friends?”

“Falcon” Clint bursted out laughing still pointing the bow to my head.

“Wait wait. There’s more then one bird inspired superhero. Oh goddamm what can he do scream like a chicken.I’m screwing myself so much right now” Clint continued to laugh for some time before dropping the bow. Leaning himself against the wall with a stone face he continued.

“We don’t have much time so you to should get out now. We can take the Falcon shit later” My mind went blank for a second before saying.

“Why would you help us?”

“My girlfriend would kill me and I think Th-Bucky would would be less dangerous with you three then with the shield fuckers. now go” Sam took the chance and sprinted to the vent. Before crawling out of the vent I turned around and said.

“Thanks, see you later” He nodded and I crawled in after Sam one step closer too Bucky.


	3. thousands of bed & breakfasts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if it's bad english, it's not my native language.
> 
> This chapter is going to be shorter when the others because it's mostly a transition page.  
> Holy cow I did a lot off research about hotels in Buchannon for this, I didn't now there where so many. A Governorn's inn is a real place

Steve Rogers logbook 14 February 2015.

Two weeks. Two weeks off flying to West Virginia and looking through every bed & breakfast. Two weeks off searching through every paper and news show I could find. two weeks off waiting for Sam and Natasha too call and say that they have found Bucky. Nothing.

This sounds like something a sad existential person could write, oh wait I am. shut up brain. I thought before looking through my notes to find which hotel was next on the list to check out. A govern’s inn I read. I decided to take the Quinjet.

Right before I walked out the door my phone called. It was from Red bird.

“Steve” Sam whispered, he’s voice sounded muffled “don’t take the Quinjet shield found me when I used it” I could hear someone shout something about hurrying up “I’m coming just my wife takes time. They taking me in for question”

It felt like my brain where melting inside my brain. Oh no it’s my fault Shield got Sam. Why couldn’t I do this alone. Where’s Nat?.

“Do you know anything about Nat” My breathing got faster.

"No. Shit gotta go mhh love you honey"

I stumbled down onto the couch trying to think where Nat could be. When I remembered I had a phone. I fumbled in Nat number as fast as I could and waited impatiently. Three dials had gone off when she answered.

“Steve?” I breathed out hard letting my nerves calm down before answering.

“where are you?”

“Home like usual after I lost my job again, wonder why people don’t let spys wor”

“We can take that later. Get out off there, shield is aft”

"Sam?" 

"Taken in for question. I’m going to lay low in West Virginia. Probably staying for a while. Any idea where you’re going?”

“No. Call me if you need anything bye” The call ended.

How would I take me to Virginia. Train or plane? train, train is good I thought before looking up the time tablet.

I jumped out off the taxi and looked up one the brown palace like building. The reception looked like a house from the 1800’s. The walls was made off wood and straight ahead was an old staircase. The receptionist was a rounded woman in around her 40’s with dark almond hair and a big smile.

"Do you want anything sweetie?” She said looking camly at me. 

“Yeah. I’m looking for somebody who might stay here. He’s around the same size as me, blue long hair, often has dark clothes, very fund off gloves on his left hand” A smiled back at the lady. 

“Oh him, how can I forget him” she chuckled softly “He comes in here around three times a week and pay me for letting him eat breakfast here. he’s always quiet and such and appetite” She continued too chuckle seemingly remembering something.

"Yeah him" I tried to chuckle with her “Do you know where he lives?”

“Well I haven’t followed him but he always walking left down the street”

“Thanks ma’am” I scribbled down my phone number “call me if you see him” I walked out before she could answer. 

Bucky probably wouldn’t let a stranger see where he lives so if he goes to the left when he lives right or the other way around? now I’m confused. Right? right I thought.

After walking all the way down, looking through an motel and discovering zero buckys and ending up on the highway. I decided to walk the other way. After walking in a another forty minutes came to a store called the big weldon iron. I was going to go find a place to stay for the night when I heard somebody yelling.

“WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? WHAT THE FUCK YOU DOING IN MY PROPERTY. I’M CALLING THE POLICE YOU FRIKING PSYCHO. IS THAT A KN” The sound became muffled, I started running towards the yelling. 

I stopped at a white house. In the backyard there was a red and white storehouse. In the doorway stood Bucky pointing a knife towards an old man.


	4. Lighting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These will hopefully come out faster without school in the way.  
> any and all misspellings are intentionally.

Bucky pov

Cold. Numb. Mission. Pain. Drifting. Car coming. shouting. Target. Somebody’s in the way. Shoot. Kill. Mission. 

“Bucky” bucky bucky pain pain pian

“who the hell is Bucky”

Memories. I knew him. Need to end mission. No. They will punish me. Shooting. Failing. I know him. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Drifting. Somebody opening the door.

I woke up still in the shed. Footsteps outside. No windows one door. Door opening. Panic. Knife in my hand. Yelling. Need to stop it. KiL. him don’t no don’t listen no to the no other kill hiM.

 Footsteps from behind. Deflect attack. Kil. Deflect attack attack. L hi. Attack deflect don’t let go of the witneSs deflect deflect attack. m no y. On the ground attack running RUNNING. ou nOw him.

“Bucky it’s me Steve”

BUcky who’s Bucky mission you no. Confused the Winter solDier doesn’t feel confused the winter soldier don’t fEel anything I’m not the winTer sOldIer anymore who am I Bu asset. He’s after mE you can trust him no you know him mission he’s after you waNts to hurt you everyone wants no mission mission mission.

Attack attack strangle deflect attack deflect deflect deflect attack. He’s pulling his punches. Kill kill kill mission.

“Bucky I won’t hurt you you’re my friend, I don’t want to do this again”

“Liar”

* * *

 

Can’t brEath. Attack attack attack deflect. Liar liar liar friend enemy liar. attack attack running running car. Steal need to get away. Attack attack attack chokinG. Kill him no car car car car CAR. stealing driving. He’s on the roof. Throw him off. Kill kill kill drive him over kill kill mission you Kno kill no I now him kill.

Stopping walking drAgging. Can’t trust him no gun knife against his thrOat don’t slit. He’s wakening pressure onto throat make him sleep. Need to hide no place woods where’s safe RumAnia no RuSsiA no pain pain no sleep pain pain BrOokLyn where’s Brooklyn safe.

Dragging. Why have I not killed him mission he’s not my mission I know him. People coming hide slow my breathing ready to kill peOple gone dragging farther into the woods. He’s waking up again make him sleep.

Dragging what’s the time where am I darker night time. Tired assets can’t be tirEd. Make him sleep.Can’t be tired asset asset time to stop.

 Always keep an eye on him need to find a gun soon better to Kill him remember him he’s Steve read about him on the museum he’s an eneMy need to kill him against HyDra I’m not part off HydRa anymore you can’t run from them they will find me again and again.

Need to remeMber mountain pain asset. He’s waking up make him sleep. It’s raining bad for my arm it alwaYs hurt anyway pain remember snow train blue white. 

Thunder in the distance lighting pain lighting through my brain forgetting. Can’t breath lighting again splitting the air shaking pain red covering my ears not safe can’t breath pain panic panic need to get away everywhere pain the fiSt pain hYdrA Can’t breath.

Somebody’s behind me knife against my tHroat trapped can’t breath. More lighting my brain hUrts need to get away am I crying? things can’t Cry thinGs can’t feel.

“Bucky it’s okay I’m not going to hurt you I’m just trying to not make you hurt me. It’s me Steve I’m not one of the bad guys I’m trying to help you away from the bad guys”

“Liar” Liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar no liar iar no liar liar.

“Bucky do you remember me?” Can’t trust him you kNOw him no answer

“I read about you” Lighting again paNic pain arm hurts inside my brain shaking breathing getting faSter.

“Do you not like the lighting? I can find a motel if you promise not to attack me”

Can’t trust him lighting inside my brain pain shivering afraid pain PanIC can’t trust anybody run don’t know him dangerous kill lighting hurts get away follow him safe no safe.

“mmh” Knife against my throAt he doesn’t trust me why should I trust him.

“Do you know where we are” don’t say anything can’t trUst him lighting panic brain shutting off black out

“Buc” darknees

* * *

 

Daylight. Where am I? arm cuffEd to the bed can’t get out. Lightings over safe where is he Steve can’t trust him run get away. Somebody’s coming hide in the corner Can’t find a weapon Steve coMes in.

“Good that you’re awake got a little worried” Don’t answer can’t trust him. “Sorry I had to chain you if you run away again shield could get you. I had to steal those arm cuffs from a cop I also stole his gun” 

Need to get the gun if I get the gUn I can get out off here need to get away can’t trust him out to get me EveryBody is.

“I got breakfast” poison hungry when did I eat last time take it No.

“It’s a bagel” He puts it in front oFf me he doesn’t trust me I wouldn’t either.

“Do you know a good hiding place because I may or may not be a fugitive right now” Don’t answer can’t trust him Nowhere’s safe Brooklyn everyone’s after you run need to gEt away I haven’t even been to Brooklyn why do I think it’s safe.

“I know you’re nervous, you have good reasons to be but I don’t want to see shield or..hydra get you so do you know a place”

“Brooklyn” why does he smile like that what don’t I reMeMber.

“What do you remember about Brooklyn” DOn’t have I been tHere safe can’t remember don’t answer.

“Nothing” Why did he stop smiling need to rememBer.

“What do you remember?” he still sits on the otHer side of the rOom he doesn’t trust you can’t trust him don’t Answer if you continue to talk he think that you trust him I don’t.

“I’m gonna go out and see if I can get a train ticket or something” alOne again stuck to the bed need to gEt away. Nothing around me need to get gun what if HydRA came right now afrAid safer when Steve’s here.

* * *

 

Somebody’s coming, it’s Steve. Safe again he’s nOt safe can’t trust him everybody’s afTer you.

“We’re going to take a train to Rhode island tomorrow” how much longer will we be together nEed to get away can’t trust him.

“Why?” 

“Because shield, hydra and whatever organization I don’t but probably are after us are after us” HYdRa they’re after me can’t Go back I dOn’t want to gO back don’t want to forGet again pain the cHaIR lighting breathing faster why does this keep happening?

“Buck are you alright?” hYdrA they will always get me alwaYs runNing they will get you lighting will come back shaking. Steve’s hand on my shoulder snap ouT of it hurt him kilL him.

“Bucky what happened” It’s always hYdra fault no it’s not you’re a part the fist HyDra.

“Don’t talk about hydra” He’s backing away lost chance kIll him mission never told mission report.

“Okay. I think I’m going to sleep so please don’t strangle me” not funny kill him he’s begging for it guard down can’t trust him mIssiOn he trust you. should I sit here wait for hours. Where’s the gun need it out of my reach every thing out of reach expect bagels.

* * *

 

He’s waking up. get away can’t trust run.

“have anything happened” Don’t answer “silence is always a valid answer. The train goes in twelve hours any idea what to do” Don’t answer “You used to like playing cards” he’s tricking you just a missIon you knew him can’t Trust him don’t answer no do ask need to now don’t I want to remember.

“When” he’ll lie can’t trust him don’t get attached.

“Well before the war. We did it when we we’re bored and one time we had a bet with this guy who we owned money too that if we one he had too pay what we owned him to us we lost but it was fun”

 why can’t I remember that he’s lyiNg I would remember that how does he now so much you know him have I been in a wAr which war the one HYdra won I was never on the field during the war wHat was I before the war.

“The war Hydra won?” why does he look confused.

“Hydra haven’t won any war” There’s only been one big war and that war did HydrA there’s only been one big war and that war did HyDra win.

“There’s only been one big war and that war did hydra win” Now he looks even more confused.

“That’s not true the germans lost nobody even knew about hydra during the war” Liar can’t trust anybody Liar liar liar It must be true they tolD me need to hOld on.

“Liar” There’s only been one big war and that war did hyDra win There’s only been one big war and that war did hYdrA win.

“No Bucky you were brainwashed into thinking that” Can’t trust him can’t trust hYdRa can’t trust anybody remember liar it’s true enemy don’t answer can’t think straiGht need to hold on conFused.

“Stop making me confused” remember confused can’t Feel nothing the fiSt.

“Sorry, I jus” shut up confused can’t think straight.

“Shut up!” shut up shut up keep quiet for ones confused stuPid braiN attack him attack him try to grab his neck he has his back away dO it. AttAck can’t reach good he deflected he looks disappointed.

“I thought we said that you wouldn’t attack me”

“Didn’t we say you would shut up” I feel tirEd again must be the cry chamber fault sleep fucked up brain too dizzy Haven’T been out off cryO so Long everything’s spinning can't trust him say sometHing.

"Steve" Falling over shakiNg so WaRm corners getting dArk.

"Bucky, stay with me buddy" Don't want tO go to the DarKness don't want to feel NuMb "Focus on me don't slip away" 

The NumBneSs always comes back.


	5. A whole lot off travel

  **Steves pov**

“Bucky, stay with me buddy” oh god he’s shaking what should I do oh he’s blacking out “Focus on me don’t slip away” No no what’s happening the cryo he’ve been out off it to long it affects his body. No his slipping away.

“Bucky focus” oh god his out what should I do i can’t go to the doctor should I find a cold place that the hell should I do. I didn’t notice I had put him in my lap. What the hell should I do why’s my mind empty right now. He’s moving.

“Bucky can you hear me” Thank god he’s waking up how long was he out fucking cryo fucking hydra. He’s awake! and he’s pushing me away. He stared into the floor, he looks so scared.

“I don’t want to go to the numbness” He’s covering he’s cheek and eye and is still shaking. I want to hug.

“You won’t have to go to the numbness again I swear” He looks at me like he just realized I was here. I will never let hydra take my Bucky again fucking hydra. I don’t now how long we sat quiet after that. I wonder what he thought about, if he though about something.

“Where are you going” 

“Well first we’re taking the train to Rhode Island, then we’re taking the boat to France. We can’t fly there because passport. Then we somehow gets to skan-no-or skanör falsterbo in Sweden. Did you know that Sweden have three extra letters ä,å and ö I don’t now how pronounce them”

“Why are you going there”

“Because it’s a small town with not so many people and have lots off rich people just coming there during the summer so lots off abounded houses. Please stop saying that only I will go we will go” This conversation feels pretty one sided. I looked at my clock it was time to go

“I think it’s time to go” I uncuffed him from the bed he continued to stare for some seconds before he’s arm swung up trying to grab my neck I ducked. He started dragging in his hair mumbling.

“Sorry”

“It’s okay” I dragged him up from the ground noticing that two off his metal fingers had been cut off “It’s time to go”

The trains now a days is so silent the people used to way after there loved ones who wouldn’t come back for years the wheels used to pour out steam making it sound like the gates off hell, now everything’s so quiet with everyone staring at their phones. phones are pretty great.

Bucky was sitting opposite to me crawled into the corner staring out the window. I tried to sketch him. He’s hair was still dark blue and ended a little under his shoulders, his eyes had dark shadows under them and there were blood sprouted. he’s skin is pale and there’s scratch marks all over his face.

Where does the scratch marks come from, we can heal so it can’t be hydra. He’s scratching himself why would he do that? i’m not gonna tolerate it if he comes here and think he can harm him himself without I stopping it, i won’t let anyone hurt my Bucky even if it’s himself.

We continue to sit quietly when i’m almost done with the drawing Bucky murmurs something.  
“Can I borrow that?”

“Sure” I handed over the sketchbook. He shot me a glance before pretty much killing the book with how hard he wrote. I could see a sign saying that we were leaving Harrisonburg. Bucky handed me back the notebook and went back to staring out the window.

I peeked on what he had written it was two pages full off scribbles most off it you couldn’t read because the words had been written over each other, The ones you could read were mostly the same. Train mountain white white snow train an enemy can’t remember stupid brain train red pain falling pain. Was this what went through his head does he think like this no he probably only writes like this yeah that’s how it is.

He was beginning to remember. A warm feeling spread through my chest. I don’t care how long it will take my Bucky is in there somewhere and I’m going to find him.

Two hours later we where in Rhode Island. I don’t think Bucky can remember being near water we’ve been in the line for the tickets to the boat to France for three minutes and he have hissed to the water five times.

I wonder how’s Sam’s doing. Maybe he did great and shield let him go and I’m just worrying over nothing no Sam would call me if that happened. Where’s Nat she probably isn’t with Barton I hope shield hasn’t found her.

“Sir where are you going” The ticket sellers voice dragged me out off my thoughts.

“Two tickets for the cruiser to France, thanks” wait, Where the hell is Bucky.

“The cruiser is docking 14:15″ Can he give me the tickets faster. okay got the tickets run.

“Thanks” I gasped out. Where can he be, he was there a minute ago. He can’t be far off. The harbor was full off people most off them waiting for there boats. I looked around the panic crawling on my back. I noticed someone with blue hair. 

I walked after the figure. we ended up in an empty street near the harbor you could jump into the water from the end off it. The presumedly Bucky sat down next to the water. Then I was standing beside him he jumped up and Pushed me down to the asphalt.

“Hey hey, it’s me” I Cautioned. He let go off me. Great that he doesn’t want to kill me right me.

“There where to many people” Bucky mumbled.

“I understand. When I came back I was also overwhelmed” Should I ask him about the fingers I want to know what hydra did to him I want to do worse to them. If you do that you’re as bad at them, I can at least kill them.

“What happened to your fingers” why did I ask that he doesn’t want to think about it why do you bring it up. He looked down at his hand for some time before answering.

“It was my fault, I didn’t follow orders” He got that look on his face again he’s eyes looked through me and he spoke like a broken record player.

“That isn’t your fault, they shouldn’t give you orders. It’s not right to shop someone fingers off” Fucking hydra.

“They can be replaced”

“But they shouldn’t have to be. They shouldn’t do so to you” I want to hug him. i looked at my clock it was 13:58. 

“it’s time to go” We started running hands locked together. his hand felt slack and he had gone back to staring into nothingness. 

We came onto the boat at the last minute. Our room was in the end off a hallway on the first floor. It was a standard ship room, two bunk beds on each wall a small passage between them and a desk at the end right under the little round window.

Bucky put himself in the corner again.

“We should be in France tomorrow. Isn’t fantastic how fast you can travel now a days” He didn’t answer it seems like we have gone back to sitting in silence again. I looked how many bullets the pistols got while Bucky fiddled with his hair.

“Why haven’t you cuffed me, I could attack you right now”

“Well you could have thrown in the water”I looked at my clock it was14:30 “an half hour ago but you didn’t and I have faith that you won’t do it now either”

“I will hurt u-you” Was he trying to convince himself or I don’t now what to answer.

“Don’t say that, we won’t let that happen” When was the last time we ate.

“I’m gonna get us food, I think they’re serving lunch” i took the gun and walked out the locking the door. he can probably unpick the lock but I have fate in him or else I can always hunt him down again.

The cafeteria were full off people, most off them looked fifty or older. I walked up to the sandwich bar and grabbed six sandwiches before half running back to our room.

Bucky was sitting on the desk staring out the window. I put the sandwich besides him before starting eating mine. He had that look on his face al the time like he was lost.

I peeked out the window only seeing ocean it had started raining. You could hear the people who had been on sun deck getting back into there rooms. The ones in the rooms beside ours where loud, it seemed like one off them where losing a bet over a play off cards.

“These didn’t exist in the 40′s” Bucky asked still staring out the window. Yep yep he’s trying to remember. I tried not to grin.

“That’s right. You didn’t really travel that far back in the day and if you did you took the train. So much have changed it’s pretty messy but some god things have come black people have rights, men and women is almost on the same level and it’s okay to be lgbt. You don’t know what that is right?” Bucky didn’t answer. “I take that as a yes. It’s like gay and other communities that you probably doesn’t either know about that didn’t exist back in the day. Pretty great”

I woke up in the middle off the night. weirdly enough it wasn’t the dream that woke me up, I hadn’t had it sense I found Bucky. I still had troubled sleeping, seventy years on ice would destroys anyones will to sleep. I looked around the room meeting Bucky’s eyes, he sat in the other bed staring at me.

“can’t sleep either?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are super helpful and always welcome!


	6. .

~~The wint~~ Buckys pov

I'm scared don't wanna come back there please. tears dreaming darkness not dead death better waking up. six guards the ForgEtTIngN chAiR.

"Just let me keep these memories please just these" tears they don't hear me pleading thE fOrgeTTing ChaiR why using it pain give you pain. "I'll do all orders I'll never run away again I'll train all the girls I'll hurt all the girls just let me keep" Punch punch punch pain.

"Things don't talk" guard say blood dripping in my face same blood on his hands. Strapping me down open mouth they'll continue if you don't ready not ready not ready please don't. lighting nee lighting d to lighting reme lighting ber lighting.

Steve Rogers friend hydra enemy bucky 325 325 325 something 325 something happened 325 snow before train 325  **lightinglightinglightinglightinglightinglightinglightinglighting.**  

Shaking. Guards dragging me were were everything blurry remember cell old cell. locked inside cold shaking more no windows nothing just cold just pain.  Steve rogers hydra enemy buck bucky 325 everything blurry fuzzy doesn't fit get out need to get out stay here forverver can't won't the drugs were punishment took them away. They gonna keep ~~the wint~~ you here then the FoRGEting cHair how long until ice.

Oh god back to before cold death waking up killing chair ice cold death waking up killing chair icecold death waking up killing chair icecold death waking up killing chair ice need to get out can't breath.

Banging on the door screaming guards coming pushing me down more screams gotta get out one killed two killed get out syringe in my neck darkness nononono

* * *

"Longing" were were am I the fOrgEtting ChaIr"Rusted seventeen"nononono"Daybreak furnace" lighting get away can't"Nine benign" Steve rogers lighting 325 325"homecoming one" Steve steve steve steve lighting steve steve lighting lighting steve lighting "freight car"

"Ready to comply" Empty, woman talking.

"Stay in your room and don't make a noise" Guards taking me back someone giving me a needle. Fuzzy. Hours blurry passing by guards passing by. Get out need get out. Guards taking me out again tHe chAir woman talking.

"Longing rusted"  **Lighting** "Seventeen daybreak" **Lighting** "Furnace nine"  **Lighting** "Benign homecoming"  **Lighting** "One freight car"  **Lighting**

Shaking going back needle numb. Loop.

loop.

loop.

loop.

loop.

loop.

loop.

loop.

loop.

loop.

loop.

loop.

loop.

loop.

loop.

loop.

loop.

loop.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do anyone even read this?


End file.
